


Dungeons and Dragons

by thegoldhopeful



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Advanced Dungeons and Dragons, Gen, Hijinks & Shenanigans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-14
Updated: 2017-03-14
Packaged: 2018-10-04 16:17:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10282937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thegoldhopeful/pseuds/thegoldhopeful
Summary: After some mystical coincidence lands them at the same university, Daichi is roped into playing the dungeon master of a completely directionless and largely irrelevant campaign for his former opponents Kuroo, Oikawa, Ushijima, and Bokuto. Hijinks ensue.The T Rating is for bad language.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [klari19](https://archiveofourown.org/users/klari19/gifts).



> Yes hello hello thank you for opening this fic. It is a gift to the wonderful Clara (Canadians eyy). I sorta took both the 'same college' and the 'fantasy' prompts and added them together to create this clusterfuck.
> 
> I hope you all enjoy!
> 
> Thanks to [Linda](http://mercuryandglass.tumblr.com/) for editing this and also for typing some succinct 'lols' at the funny parts.

The four explorers stared down into the pit in front of them. It was deep; it was dark; and it loomed off into blackness so thick that it almost seemed to be crawling towards them.

“We could climb down,” Masamune the cleric suggested. He was a tall thin elf with very beautiful long hair and a skintight tunic and chainmail that somehow managed to include a boob window. He peered over the edge again, dubiously noting the smooth walls. Getting down would be easy, but getting back up the other side was a whole other story.

“I can fly down,” said one of his companions, a human by the name of Sasuke. “I have a potion of levitation from a couple campaigns ago.” Sasuke was an assassin by trade, but so far his only useful contributions had been the fact that he picked up and hoarded random stuff almost obsessively.

“We should jump!” said Udon, enthusiastically. The others ignored him.

“Before we go in we should check for traps,” Masamune said pensively, still staring into the abyss.

“I’ll check for traps,” the final member of the party, Wakatoshi said, obediently.

“No wait, I don’t want you to check for traps, Sasuke should do it,” Masamune said, a hint of cattiness seeping into his voice.

“I check for traps,” Wakatoshi said again.

* * *

Sawamura Daichi sighed deeply. Across the table, the bickering continued. He wondered, not for the first time, how he had been persuaded to do this.

It had probably been Kuroo’s fault when he’d approached Daichi with Oikawa (how the hell did those two jackasses meet anyway?) and asked him to run a fantasy game they had both played in high school; Kuroo because of Kenma, and Oikawa because he was a nerd. Against his better judgement, he had agreed. Since Dungeons and Dragons turned out to be a shitty game with only three people, they’d eventually picked up Bokuto, and most mysteriously Ushijima. Speaking of which...

Ushijima, ignoring Oikawa, rolled, and Daichi peered over his cardboard screen to see the result. A sixteen.

“Great,” he said, eagerly steamrolling over Oikawa’s continued complaints to continue the story. “As you investigate the side of the cliff for traps, you find a long lever-”

“Put it in your butt,” Bokuto interrupted.

Kuroo snickered and Daichi took another deep steadying breath. They’d been playing this campaign for three sessions and hadn’t made significant headway in any of them.

“-and when you pull the lever, a bridge springs out from the side of the cliff, over to the other side,” Daichi continued, scowling at Bokuto. Unfortunately, the next distraction came from an entirely different direction.

“How?” Ushijima asked.

Oikawa groaned and put his head in his arms. “Not this again Ushiwaka. It’s just magic.”

Oikawa was, unfortunately, the only person in the group actually invested in the game on a completely unironic level. He was also very good at it, although Daichi had made him abandon his level 9 mage when they had new players. Instead, he’d spent a couple hours lovingly crafting and illustrating a new cleric, which looked like something straight out of a fantasy game. He’d then named it Date Masamune, ‘for a taste of home.’ Daichi had chosen not to dignify that with a response.

Oblivious to Oikawa’s complaints, Ushijima continued, “how did the bridge spring out from the side? We would have seen it if it were there.”

Ushijima joined their group at the beginning of the campaign, and since then had proved to be the strangest player Daichi had even DM’d for. He was strategic and smart and mostly a good sport, but it was always unclear how well he actually understood suspension of disbelief. He continually questioned any and all physics or technology Daichi tried to slide past him. But on the plus side, Daichi actually did enjoy making up fantasy tech that actually worked. He’d started rewriting the campaign to take advantage of Ushijima’s anal retentive nature.

“It’s hidden in the darkness within the unusually smooth wall of the pit. When you pull the lever it releases a spring that shoves the bridge over the gap, with a powerful magnet at the other end to pull it all the way across. You notice that the mechanism is reversible. Almost as if someone needed a way to get across the pit regularly.”

Ushijima nodded and returned to his character sheet. He had somehow been unable to fill it out for himself, being to preoccupied with why the stats were distributed the way they were to roll, so Kuroo had eventually taken pity on both him and Daichi (who’d had the undesirable task of explaining to process). Ushijima had named the paladin that had emerged after himself.

“Okay let’s cross the bridge then,” Kuroo said, turning his attention back to the game and the map Oikawa had scribbled on a piece of squared paper. It already showed the door they’d entered two sessions ago, some twisting passageways, and the crevice, which is a dark scribble in the first quarter of the page.

Kuroo’s character was probably the most normal of the four. Unlike Oikawa he didn’t reroll or tamper with the dice to get better stats, and unlike Ushijima he didn’t have mysteriously good luck. His human assassin character was named Sasuke, which never ceased to annoy Oikawa, which, upon reflection, was probably the reason for the name.

“You file across the bridge. It clanks a little but you seem to be fine. Roll a dexterity check.”

“Thirteen.”

“Nine.”

“Fourteen.”

“Seven.”

Daichi rolled behind his screen while the others looked on. “Okay you make it to the end without incident, except for Kuroo, who almost falls off halfway over but that’s mostly because he’s a shithead not because of the stability of the bridge or anything.”

“I’m being unfairly targeted here?” Kuroo asked, looking put upon.

“I gave everyone else the chance to roll,” Daichi replied, folding his hands and grinning widely, “it’s not my fault that you’re the only one who failed. Any other stupid questions?”

“Yeah, where’d you buy that attitude?” Kuroo snarked back.

Daichi flipped him off and went back to the game. “You set off along the passageway-

“Udon waves his sword around,” Bokuto said, waving manically and almost taking out Oikawa’s delicately styled hair in the process. When he joined the group halfway through the previous game (mostly because Kuroo wanted him there), Daichi had spent a good hour trying to teach him how to roll a character before abandoning the character sheet to Oikawa. It remained unclear whether or not that had been a good idea, since Bokuto had given Oikawa almost no specifications other than it had to be awesome. Oikawa had created a dragonborn knight with a bafflingly strong constitution and more weaponry than any one person could actually carry. Bokuto had named it Udon, since he’d gotten hungry while waiting for Oikawa to finish.

“The tunnel narrows and your sword hits the wall with a loud _clunk._ Roll for damage.”

“Which dice is that?” Bokuto asked, scrabbling amongst the papers, drinks, and books piled on the table.

Oikawa handed him an eight-sided die, and he rolled it. “I got two.”

Daichi also rolled. “You fail. The end of your sword breaks off and clatters down the slope.”

“WHAT??” Bokuto shrieked.

Kuroo, Oikawa, and Ushijima silently removed their drinks from the table.

“You broke my sword?” It was part plaintive question part whine.

“You shouldn’t have been waving it around,” Daichi said smugly. “Take one point off your damage bonus.”

Bokuto pouted.

“I take the sword,” Kuroo said.

“Wait, the broken end or the end that Bokuto is still holding?” Oikawa asked.

“Roll for dexterity.” Daichi smirked as Kuroo sighed dramatically and rolled.

“I got eight,” he said.

“You grabbed at the sword in Udon’s hand, almost losing your fingers, but trip and the last minute you trip, roll down the hill, and manage to pick up the broken end of the sword. Also you lose a charisma point for trying to loot your friend.”

“Hey,” Kuroo protested, looking over his character sheet frantically. “I roll for persuasion to convince Bokuto that I was cleaning up after him and keep my charisma point.”

“Awwww bro,” Bokuto said sweetly.

“Bro,” Kuroo winked back.

“Just roll already,” Daichi grumbled. He had been looking forward to taking that point off.

“I would just give it to him,” Bokuto said, wiggling his large eyebrows suggestively at Daichi.

Ushijima interrupted, “I don’t know if you’re allowed to do that.”

“DM’s rules,” Kuroo and Bokuto snapped back in unison.

“I got a nineteen, plus two charisma points.” Kuroo turns to Bokuto. “My dear bro, my good friend, my bosom companion, not only would I never even think of robbing my favourite adventuring homie, but I dream only of serving you-”

“Kinky,” Oikawa said.

Kuroo winked at him “-and keeping track to all the junk you sling everywhere.”

“Bofor you are fully convinced,” Daichi said, trying not to laugh.

“I plant a sloppy kiss on the forehead of my dearest broski. _Schmeck._ ”

Kuroo snorted. “Dude you are a terrible kisser.”

“Don’t attack me like this Oikawa gave me proficiency in make outs,” Bokuto protested.

“Let me see that,” Daichi snatched the sheet. Sure enough +2 kissing skill was listed on the back in Oikawa’s handwriting. “Incredible.”

“I check the wall for traps,” Ushijima said. They stared at him for a brief moment, trying to figure out how checking the wall had anything to do with Bokuto’s wet kiss.

“What?!” Oikawa said in a hiss of exasperation. “Not this again.”

“Sure,” Daichi said, ignoring Oikawa, “Tromson fondles the wall and then abruptly tugs on the jagged spur of rock that had broken Udon’s sword. The wall slowly rolls to the side, revealing a long dark passage with a speck of bluish light at the end. You enter the passageway. Rather than being rough and rocky, the walls and floor are smooth and glasslike.”

“Is it moist?” Bokuto asked.

“Glass can’t be moist, it isn’t porous,” Ushijima said, as if he was amazed that someone wouldn’t know that.

“It is not moist,” Daichi confirmed.

“Can I hump it?” Bokuto asked.

“Sure.”

“I hump the wall.”

“It’s hard and smooth and kinda hurts your nuts,” Daichi said.

“I am a dragonborn, my glorious dragon dong is impervious to any damage from the walls,” Bokuto crowed. “I continue humping.”

“The humping of your dragon dong makes the wall echo with a series of dull thunking sounds. If you’re not careful you might wake some of the beasts lurking deeper in the cave.”

Bokuto considered for a moment. “That’s what I’m trying to do. I gotta get myself a sweet dragon husband.”

“They can hear the power of his fantasy viagra through the sound waves,” Kuroo added.

“This is a magic, they don’t need viagra when there’s magic spell for that,” Oikawa protested.

“That’s why it’s fantasy viagra.”

“Chili peppers have aphrodisiac properties,” Ushijima added.

“First off, they never had peppers in middle earth; second, how did you even know that Ushiwaka?”

Ushijima shrugged.

“As Udon is humping the cave wall,” Daichi said loudly, trying to steer conversation back to the game, “you hear the sound of footsteps, but slurping, as if the thing making the footsteps was made entirely out of gelatine.”

“Are those footsteps or farts?” Kuroo asked.

“Someone’s jacking off in there,” Bokuto said, winking.

“Why couldn’t we just have a nice clean game _for once_?” Oikawa asked, dramatically facepalming.

“Ushijima lead us into a jerk off tunnel,” Kuroo said, snickering.

“Jerk off tunnel,” Bokuto parroted.

Daichi tried to look upset, but was having a hard time not laughing along.

Kuroo leaned over and put his face right next to Oikawa’s ear, “ _shlurp shlurp shlurp_.”

Oikawa screamed, sliding from his chair away from Kuroo.

Bokuto joined the schlurping.

Ushijima looked concerned, “Daichi does your monster have health problems?” The group  paused in horrified anticipation. “It sounds like it’s having diarrhea,” Ushijima continued, dead serious.

Bokuto fell out of his chair laughing.

“They should probably invest in antibiotics,” Ushijima wasn’t done yet, “diarrhea can be fatal if not treated properly.”

“They don’t have antibiotics Ushiwaka it’s a fantasy game,” Oikawa said, wiping tears out of his eyes.

“The slurping, which doesn’t care about your conversation and only cares that you are making a huge racket and royally fucking up its sleep schedule,” Daichi cut off that line of inquiry, “advances. Roll a perception check.”

The players grumbled but rolled.

“Five,” Kuroo said.

“I got seventeen,” Oikawa said, sending a smug look in Kuroo’s direction.

“Ten,” Ushijima said.

“One,” said Bokuto, “what does that mean?”

“It means you fucking suck bro,” Kuroo replied, comfortingly.

Daichi snickered. “Okay, so while you were talking, those loud slurping sounds mysteriously stopped. Masamune turns around to see what it is. He sees this huge blob, nay, tower of translucent purple jelly holding itself in a way that is somehow both humanoid and disgustingly phallic at once. Ventor and Wakatoshi, you see how surprised Masamune is and turn to look too. Udon you’re still humping the wall you haven’t seen the thing yet.”

“I goggle in shock and admiration,” Kuroo said.

“It’s my lizard husband,” Bokuto said, “following the thumps.”

“It’s dragonborn lore that members of the species serenade their prospective mates with the gentle thunks of their genitals against smooth walls,” Kuroo added helpfully.

“Did you say it was phallic?” Oikawa asked, distrustfully.

“Uh,” Daichi mumbled. He had been hoping no one heard that.

“A phallus means a penis,” Ushijima clarified unhelpfully.

“Daichi knows what a phallus is man,” Kuroo said with a slow wink.

“You can’t assume someone would know what a phallus was just cause they’re a man,” Ushijima continued pedantically, “it’s obviously ignorant.”

“I would greatly like it if we finished discussing this and got back to the game,” Daichi intervened. Altogether too much time had been spent on phalluses already.

“Yeah it seems like Kuroo is a little too interested in the topic,” Oikawa said, clearly abandoning what little investment he had in the game. He eyed Kuroo in a way that was probably intended to be sly but ended up leery.

Kuroo smirked back, untroubled. “Wouldn’t you like to know.”

“The phallus speaks,” Daichi said, ignoring this addition, “it says-”

Kuroo and Bokuto’s laughter drowned out his words.

  
Daichi felt the sickening certainty that the phrase ‘the phallus speaks’ would return to plague him for a long time.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading cool cats! Please add kudos and comments if you enjoyed and also if you didn't enjoy. 
> 
> A Note: Date Masamune was the japanese warlord who founded Sendai and Aoba Castle (after which seijou is named) in the 17th century. Oikawa is pictured as him in some promo material, his signature look being a large crescent on his helmet. 
> 
> College is a dozy and my writing is sporadic at best so feel free to bother me on tumblr at my [blog](http://h0pe-y.tumblr.com/) and also on the fantastically weird discord (which you can ask for on the aforementioned blog).
> 
> I want to talk to yall and write some musings but editing is A Lot. So mssg me for a wild ride.


End file.
